Healthy boundaries: how to set them when the wedding costs are split

Having generous parents or family members is a blessing. It can seriously cut back your own out-of-pocket expenses. However, it can also mean there are expectations. How can you set healthy boundaries when you’re receiving financial help?

Although full of joy and love, wedding planning can also be a time of high stress. While the generosity of family members is always appreciated, broader conversations can arise about decisions, expectations, and, in some cases, control. Setting boundaries early is key to maintaining positive relationships and also getting the wedding of your dreams.

Here are some tips for having healthy boundaries:

Clarify expectations early

Before accepting financial help, have an open conversation with your parents about what their contribution means. Are they offering it as a gift with no strings attached, or do they expect to have a say in decisions? Understanding their expectations upfront will help prevent misunderstandings down the line.

Do you have non-negotiables? Clarify them early!

Are there people that you really don’t want at your wedding? Or perhaps you have a dream dress style or aesthetic for the wedding. Whatever your non-negotiables are, establish them early. Even if they don’t seem like they’d be a barrier, they might come up later. So, put them all out on the table and you’ll be able to have a clear boundary right from the jump.

Create financial clarity

Are you paying for some of your wedding? A portion? Or are your parents footing the whole bill? It’s best to clarify early what portion of the event they’re paying for, this could future-proof any last-minute power struggles. Consider dividing the expenses so that you and your partner maintain financial responsibility for the aspects you care about most.

Enforce boundaries

Yes, it’s the scary part. You’ve established the boundaries, but now you need to enforce them. Are your parents or family starting to overstep? You can gently remind them of the agreements you set in place. That’s why the pre-work and initial conversations are so important; that way there’s accountability in people’s actions.

If your parents start to overstep, gently remind them of the agreements you made. You can say, “We appreciate your input, but we want to ensure the wedding reflects who we are as a couple.” If necessary, reinforce your boundaries consistently to avoid backtracking.

Explore our guide to cost-splitting your wedding.

Use kindness

It’s important to set limits while remaining appreciative of their support. Use “I” statements to communicate your needs without sounding confrontational. For example:

• Instead of: “You can’t dictate who we invite.”
• Try: “We really want our guest list to reflect the people who have been most present in our lives as a couple.”

This approach keeps the conversation positive and focuses on your feelings rather than placing blame. You want to be empathetic as well.

Compromise

Do your parents or family have requests that are quite reasonable? Perhaps it’s an invite to one of their friends that you don’t know that well or the inclusion of menu items they want. If it’s simple requests, sometimes compromise works. A little favour for them can go a long way and can mean that it keeps other more outlandish requests at bay.

Healthy conversations, early

If issues arise, it’s best to broach them early. Don’t let these things bubble away just beneath the surface. Blow-ups between family members tend to happen if things have been left for too long. If you see something gaining momentum, stop it in its tracks. Have the tough conversations early because they’ll only get tougher.

Focus on gratitude and love

At the end of the day, your parents’ involvement comes from a place of love. Express gratitude for their support, even when you need to stand your ground. A heartfelt “thank you” goes a long way in maintaining a positive and respectful relationship throughout the wedding planning process.

If they’re trying to have their say in the wedding, it’s probably because they’re just so excited. If your wedding day is something you’ve always dreamed of, you’re not alone! Your parents have also dreamed of your wedding day your whole life. 

Have the best time

Remember what everyone is here for anyway… it’s your wedding! Your marrying the love of your life, and sometimes that takes energy, effort, and compromise. So bare that in mind and do everything you can with love. 

Marriage celebrants can be a great place to start. They’re experts in joining couples and have seen it all when it comes to weddings and family dynamics. They might be able to put out any fires on the wedding day that come up.