50 hilarious wedding vows to include in your ceremony

Weddings are full of love, sentiment, and beautiful moments. But let’s be honest: sometimes we all need a little comic relief between the readings, teary toasts, and the third cousin’s interpretive dance. That’s where hilarious wedding vows come in.

Whether you’re the bride, groom, best mate, or officiant, slipping a few cheeky lines into your wedding speech can be the perfect way to keep the mood light and the guests laughing. Hilarious wedding vows are the perfect way to show your personality, keep guests engaged, and remind everyone that love doesn’t have to be so serious.

Here’s some hilarious wedding vows that will land every time.

The classic domestic disputes:

1. “I vow to always pretend I didn’t hear you open a new packet of chips, even though we both know I did.”

2. “I promise to never watch the next episode without you… unless it’s really, really good.”

3. “I swear to love you, even when you leave your wet towel on the bed. Every. Single. Day.”

4. “I vow to unclog the shower drain, even though we both know it’s 100% your hair.”

5. “I promise to still like you, even when you turn the heater on in summer.”

Food-related promises (aka the foundation of all strong marriages):

6. “I vow to share my fries, even though I’d really rather not.”

7. “I promise to never judge your 11pm toast habits — unless it’s Vegemite and peanut butter again.”

8. “I swear to keep a secret stash of snacks… for both of us.”

9. “I vow to never question why you need three types of milk in the fridge at all times.”

10. “I promise to accept that ‘I don’t mind, you pick’ actually means ‘read my mind and guess what I’m craving.’”

Pop culture & technology truths:

11. “I vow to pause the movie when you fall asleep… and then watch the rest after pretending I didn’t.”

12. “I swear to never change the Netflix password, even in times of war.”

13. “I vow to always ‘forget’ your screen time report, just as you ‘forget’ mine.”

14. “I promise not to get mad when you say ‘I’m ready’ and still take 14 minutes to leave the house.”

The ‘too-real’ ones:

15. “I vow to love you even when we disagree about the correct way to stack the dishwasher.”

16. “I swear to always forgive you… unless you bring up Monopoly again.”

17. “I promise to tolerate your family as if they were my own. Which they now are. Lucky me.”

18. “I vow to still love you even if you one day become a morning person.”

19. “I promise to keep pretending your snoring is kind of endearing.”

20. “I promise to take Instagram-worthy photos of you.”

The cute but cheeky hilarious wedding vows:

21. “I vow to keep flirting with you like we’re still trying to impress each other… even when we’re 85 and wearing matching tracksuits.”

22. “I swear to always save you the last piece of pizza. Or at least to lie about it convincingly.”

23. “I promise to be your human hot water bottle forever.”

24. “I vow to laugh at your jokes. Even the ones I’ve heard 400 times.”

25. “I promise to unclog the drains, even though you are the only one of us with long hair.”

Hilarious wedding vows that focus on domestic life & habits:

26. “When I say ‘I do,’ I don’t mean the dishes.”

27. “I promise to let you have the good pillow. Most nights.”

28. “I vow to love you through all your personalities… and your wardrobe changes between them.”

29. “I vow to never complain about your snacking in bed… unless it’s popcorn. Or chips. Or anything loud.”

30. “I swear to be your emergency contact, your spider remover, and your ‘is this chicken still okay?’ taste tester.”

Emotional support:

31. “I promise to always ask what’s wrong, even when I already know it’s ‘nothing’ and I’m in trouble.”

32. “I vow to keep listening to your rants, even when I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

33. “I promise to cheer you on, even when you’re mad at me and pretend not to hear it.”

34. “I vow to keep being your unpaid therapist, hype person, and voice of reason — in that order.”

35. “I swear to support your dreams, even the ones that start with ‘So I saw this TikTok…’”

Hilarious wedding vows that focus on everyday chaos:

36. “I vow to still love you even when you forget where you parked and blame me.”

37. “I swear to try not to sigh dramatically every time you leave every cupboard door open.”

38. “I promise to always pick your side (even if we’re both wrong).”

39. “I vow to keep finding you attractive, even when you’re flossing like a maniac in front of the mirror.”

40. “I promise to love you more than my phone… but let’s not test it during group chats.

Love language: Sarcasm

41. “I vow to never say ‘I told you so,’ even when I 100% told you so.”

42. “I promise to keep flirting with you awkwardly forever.”

43. “I swear to never intentionally leave one square of toilet paper on the roll.”

44. “I vow to always answer your ‘Would you still love me if…’ questions with yes — even the weird ones.”

45. “I promise to keep being your person, even when that means agreeing you ‘don’t feel like talking to anyone tonight’… including me.”

And just for fun hilarious wedding vows…

46. I vow to keep the conversation deep, the banter deeper, and the bath water exactly how you like it: borderline scalding.”

47. “I promise to keep life adventurous, our snacks adventurous-er, and our movie nights exactly 12 minutes long before you fall asleep.”

48. “I vow to keep the drama low, the playlist fire, and the group chat screenshots flowing.”

49. “I promise to keep the fridge stocked, the gossip hot, and your weird cravings honoured without question.”

50. “I vow to keep the cuddles close, the Wi-Fi strong, and the snacks evenly shared… unless it’s the last Tim Tam.”

51. “I promise to buy taller shoes so you can wear heels.”

22. “I promise never to keep score… even when I am clearly winning.”

Need help writing your hilarious wedding vows?

Our experienced and legal marriage celebrants are pros at crafting vows that are personal, meaningful, and guaranteed to get a laugh (without stealing the spotlight). Let’s make your ceremony unforgettable for all the right reasons. Browse our curated collection of the best wedding celebrants in Australia, and find the perfect match to help you say “I do” your way: with heart, humour, and a whole lot of personality.